Maxi Dress Nursing Look

Maxi Dress Nursing Look by missy-roode featuring a ruched dress

I don't know about you, but I LOVE Fall, and especially Fall fashions! Even better is this brief time between Summer and Fall, when it's still warm enough to wear your lightweight staples, but you can have fun with layering and darker colors.

This would be my ideal nursing look for right now: The maxi dress is simple and flattering, with boho crochet detailing and a surplice neckline that makes quick and inconspicuous nursing a breeze! Cover up with a chambray shirt, either left open or tied at the waist, and add details in cobalt, cognac, and leopard. And remember, comfort is key!

What are some of your favorite current fashions? Any tips for a cute and functional nursing look? Share your ideas in the comments, and let us know what you think of this outfit!

...But You Can't Make Him Drink

Yesterday I shared some things I've learned about asset based community development (ABCD). I told you a couple stories. I took you to Honduras and brought you back to Ohio.

So what in the world does this have to do with breastfeeding? Well, please take a moment to read yesterday's post first, then hop back here to find out.

If you've read anything on this blog before then it's likely you know that breastfeeding in the US is the exception, not the rule. Incidents pop up in the news every few months about breastfeeding moms who are chastised for nursing their babies in public. Here in Ohio, only 21.6% of moms are breastfeeding their babies at all at 6 months. It doesn't take more than a few conversations with other mom friends to hear about advice they were given from their pediatrician or OB that doesn't align with current best practices for breastfeeding.

This is the bottom line: our culture is impoverished when it comes to knowledge, passion, and compassion regarding breastfeeding.

Please please don't hear me wrong. I'm not saying an individual mom is "poor" because she doesn't breastfeed. I'm simply saying that anecdotes and news articles and statistics show us that we are a culture that doesn't value this practice. We believe myths about it. We compare it to defecating. We don't understand it, and in some cases maybe even fear it.

When there is poverty, do you remember what works? Asset based community development.

Yes, there is a need for systemic change. Better education in WIC programs. More baby friendly hospitals. More lactation education in med schools. ABCD can be implemented at those levels. But as I go down this list, I can tell you pretty quickly that I have next to no pull in any of those fields. My sphere of influence consists of my friendships with other moms.

Change will come from grassroots efforts manifested in real relationships. I am passionate about advocating and educating and rallying around the breastfeeding cause, but like I shared yesterday, sustainable change will come when I am willing to let go of that cause long enough to grab onto a close relationship and hang on tight.

I'm digging in for the long haul, just like my wise friend Tracy. I'm not trying to dispense advice or dispute myths in every conversation. I'm striving to be a better listener and evaluate what my friend is showing me she needs instead of starting with what I have to offer. I'm ready to acknowledge that sometimes my friend may simply need to be heard and cared for instead of admonished or corrected. Instead of focusing on everything she doesn't know about breastfeeding, I'm going to simply be present so I can notice what a great mom she is and how much she loves her kids and tell her how much I respect that.

And after listening, after building trust, after I've spent time focusing on her instead of me, I will be ready if she asks me for help. I will be there for her as a collaborator instead of a teacher.

The way I can make a difference in our impoverished breastfeeding culture is by investing in true friendships because I value individual moms. And the payoff is way bigger than the freedom to nurse anywhere in public without criticism, or having bosses who are knowledgeable about your pumping needs, or L&D nurses who understand how crucial it is to have baby at your breast soon after birth. No, these are possible offshoots of this change, but they aren't the ultimate goal.

The victory will be evident in the community we will have cultivated. Moms who are empathetic and truly care about each other's tears, triumphs, and tatas. Moms who value each other not because of a breastfeeding cause, but simply because people matter.

You Can Lead a Horse to Milk...

Today's post ambles a bit. I know it may seem at first glance that poverty alleviation work in Honduras and Ohio don't seem to be related to breastfeeding, but if you're willing to keep reading, I'll get there. I promise.

Homemade corn tortillas?
Yes please!

Four years ago my husband and I took a trip with a ministry called Heart to Honduras. Since then we've made it a priority to learn more about healthy ways to get involved in community development. The too-quick summary of asset based community development (ABCD) is twofold:

1. Poverty is about broken relationships, not just about money. This means every single one of us is impoverished in some way in our lives.

2. Healthy, sustainable, long-term development starts with looking at assets and working in partnership to build on those assets.

Before my first trip to Honduras, I went to the doctor for a check-up. When I told him about the trip we were planning, he scoffed. "Honduras?! To build a house? For crying out loud. People go down there all the time year after year to build houses. And there's always more to build. Why do these people still need us to build houses for them?"

At the time I was incredibly offended by his insensitive remarks. But years later it's clear that his frustration makes sense. If I continue to throw money and time at a problem and it isn't resolved, wouldn't that indicate I need to try something different? What kind of message am I sending to people I'm "helping" when I say: "Hey, just take a step back, I'll be able to fix this wayyyyy better than you can." What am I believing then about that person's value or their competence?

Kaleb and Naun slashing that grass

Since that first trip I've been able to spend time in Las Lomitas, Honduras, not fixing or building or teaching, but simply being and learning. When I was simply present I learned how to grind corn into cornmeal and make tortillas. My friend learned how to mow the soccer field with a machete. Roasting delicious, fresh-picked coffee beans, crafting jewelry from trash, maintaining a clean home with only erratic running water... Once I stopped scratching the itch to always be fixing it was so much easier to move from a deficit focus to an asset-based one.

I've learned a lot about ABCD over the past few years, but time and again I'm reminded of how much I have yet to learn. Recently I overheard a conversation a friend of mine, Tracy, was having with someone in our poverty alleviation group here in the states. Let's call this other person Andrew. Andrew was venting about an issue one of his kids was having at school. It was clear he was frustrated with the teachers there. In fact, it seemed like he was frustrated about a lot of things. Tracy gently asked him if he had considered talking with the school counselor. "She doesn't help with stuff like this," he replied shortly. Tracy responded with sympathy and continued to listen.

What!? I exclaimed in my head. As a former teacher I knew that the school counselor would, in fact, help with this issue. I can't believe Tracy isn't telling Andrew how to contact her! I mulled that conversation over in my head for days. How on earth did she have the patience to sit there and listen when she knew the solution to the problem? More importantly....why?

I played out an alternate scenario in my head. One in which I kindly corrected Andrew and gave him some advice about how to approach the counselor, as well as a few other resources on the issue at hand. In this hypothetical conversation, I even shared a personal story about a student I'd had in second grade who had dealt with this very situation and how I helped the family resolve it.

Believe it or not, the scene didn't end in my head with Andrew showering me with gratitude for sharing my wisdom. It didn't end with him contacting the school guidance counselor.

It ended abruptly when he politely listened to me ramble, then completely shut down. As my imagination moved forward, in the future weeks he would greet me every Tuesday night, but wouldn't ever share what was really on his mind. He wouldn't ever again trust me enough to be vulnerable with me.

And it dawned on me: Tracy had played this scene out in her mind before. Heck, maybe she'd even made a few mistakes along the way and lived it out: the dispensation of advice, the taciturn response, the loss of trust. Tracy knew this wasn't true development.

Tracy listened and empathized because she's in it for the long haul. She's patiently backing up far enough to see the whole picture. She's not trying to fix one problem today, she's trying to be a small part of sustainable development in a person's life over time. She recognized that Andrew didn't need advice at that moment.

He needed a friend.

Swirled, Not Shaken

As a breastfeeding mom, I'm more than certain you've heard the words "don't shake breastmilk!" at some point in your nursing journey. The logic behind this is that, when shaken, the proteins in the milk can be damaged and denatured. But is this fact or just a myth that has been perpetuated by time and word of mouth?

One anthropologist decided to delve deeper into this issue and has come up with some fascinating information. Because she clearly does a better job than I ever could, I'll let her tell it. The results might surprise you. After reading her results, does it change your opinion on shaking or swirling milk?

Does Shaking Really Matter?

Photo Source

Boundaries and the Breastfeeding Toddler

There are a lot of things you may think of when you think of breastfeeding a toddler and boundaries - but is setting boundaries with that toddler one of them?

We hit the 18 months of breastfeeding milestone last week and that got me to thinking about how our breastfeeding relationship has changed.  We’ve gone from hours of my son being latched to a quick little drive-by - just enough to fuel him up for more playing and exploring.

He has also developed “preferences” when it comes to nursing - and I’m not just talking left or right side!  L “needs” to have both of mommy’s boobies out at the same time because he likes to hop back and forth when nursing.  He also really loves playing with my belly button.  Neither of these things make nursing a toddler in public very easy!

At the same time, his communication skills have taken off recently and his vocabulary is exploding at a rapid rate (just yesterday he said Minnie and Lambie - this Disney-momma’s heart exploded with excitement by the way!). However, even though his vocabulary is great, and he knows that “num nums” means it’s time to nurse and will even say it at home, he is still adamant that the only way he asks to nurse is by attacking my shirt and trying to rip it off.  Again, this makes nursing in public a little - um - awkward?!  I can't tell you the number of times he's been sitting in the shopping cart at Target and flipped out trying to rip my shirt off.

NOT the right way to ask for Num Nums!

So what am I supposed to do in these situations?  I’ve always been a nurse on demand kinda momma and I was really struggling with setting boundaries with L when it comes to “num nums.” It all came to a head last weekend when I was at a La Leche League meeting and L wanted to nurse when he saw all the babies eating.  He started with the tugging and then insisted I unsnap both sides of my nursing tank.  When I wouldn’t he started melting down - like full on freak out!  I was a little embarrassed but thankfully I’ve been going to that meeting for 18 months and feel really comfortable with everyone there.  

One of the leaders, who is also a friend, saw my struggle and asked what was going on.  I explained to her that L will only nurse with both breasts out and freaks out if he only gets one side.  Plus, he wanted to play with my belly button.  I was actually quite frazzled in that moment - I felt the same way I did when he was only a few weeks old and we went to our first meeting to seek help with what was eventually diagnosed as a tongue tie.  That leader told me it was okay to set limits and it was okay for him to get upset with it.  She said I could tell him "No" to having both breasts out and if he got upset it was okay.  That was a very freeing moment for me.  I’d never want to deny my child food, but he’s getting to the age where he can understand waiting - and at 18 months I know my child won’t starve if he refuses one nursing session because he doesn’t like the conditions.

He’s also at the age where I can starting teaching him that we ask for “num nums” instead of attacking mommy’s clothes. I’m not saying that I’d ever deny him food if he doesn’t ask instead of grabbing but I do try and stop him from grabbing and instead use the words I’d like him to use in the future.  Is this really any different from teaching him other life lessons - like the stove is hot or using caution when climbing up the slide?

This is all still very new to me - I hate to think of my son upset because he wants to nurse in a certain way and I’m not letting him, but I know that it’s important to our long-term breastfeeding relationship that I start setting new boundaries now.  Also, I’m not saying everyone - or even anyone else - needs to set these same boundaries with their little nursling.  What I am saying is that the breastfeeding relationship is a two way street and that both of you need to feel comfortable.  If you’re nursing an older child it is certainly okay to set small boundaries - ultimately I think they will enhance your relationship as time goes on.   

This is our "New Normal" chart - what would you add to yours?

And don’t forget to take advantage of the amazing support available to breastfeeding mothers - find a local La Leche League meeting or other local group, seek out online support forums or even connect with us on the Adventures in Breastfeeding Facebook page.  Extended breastfeeding is less common than most of us would like - it’s sometimes harder to get support or even get your questions answered but help is out there and often crucial a continued breastfeeding relationship. 

The good old days when nursing looked "easy" and we could still pose for a professional photo session!

Have you set boundaries regarding breastfeeding with your older toddler?  If so, what were those boundaries and how have they worked out for you?  Share your stories in the comments below!