A Letter to My Sister

I love being pregnant. This second time around has been even more joyous because my sister is pregnant, too. We've been best friends for nearly 29 years and have shared so many milestones with each other. So far this one is probably my favorite.

Even though you and I don't share that kind of history, we have both experienced the fears and hopes that are part of anticipating motherhood. I'm hoping you'll hear my heart in this letter and tuck away the bits that resonate with you.

Dear sister,

I've been ruminating on so many things that it's difficult to sort through them and find words that are as cogent as the way they seem when they are just thoughts in my head. I will do my best though.

I remember so vividly the day you called me to tell me your big news...and the day I called to tell you mine. Lots of "aghhh!" and "oh my word" and "I am SO EXCITED!" And in the months that followed there was lots of "What do you think about..." and "What did you guys do for..." Your firsts have often followed mine, but the exciting thing about this first is that it's not just my footsteps you can use as a guide. You are being ushered into an ancient legacy, one much bigger than the sisterhood we share. Women the world over have experienced this anticipation and though each of our experiences is unique, they are all the same, too. It's a beautiful gift, one I know you thank God for daily. It's also an enormous responsibility, one that can seem heavy at times. You have so much on your mind these days; there are a few things I want you to know.

You think about labor and delivery being just around the corner. I know how strong you are. No matter what happens, I have complete faith that you will kill it in that delivery room while the rest of us wait outside, praying and cheering you on. Natural birth, medications, c-section, whatever...you will come out the other side as a mother and none of it will matter.

You think about what you'll need as you sift through gifts and check off your list. Pack your bag. All the other sorting and organizing is nice to have finished, but not a necessity. Be sure to slow down these last few weeks and savor some alone time with your husband, some alone time with yourself, and relish the ability to run into Kroger for 2 minutes to grab a gallon of milk.

You think about the hard seasons you've seen me and other moms go through, especially at the beginning. I know the stories of raw nipples and sleepless nights can seem intimidating, but those tough days are temporary and far outnumbered by days full of joy. In anticipation of the challenges you may face, I promise to tell everyone that if they truly love you, they will bring you food. Tuck away this little gem and this one...they are two of the most helpful resources that kept me sane in those chaotic moments when I doubted myself. It felt like such a relief to know I wasn't alone...that what our new little family was experiencing was normal.

You think about whether you will be a good mom. I know without a doubt the kind of mom you'll be. You're an enthusiastic aunt, a genius game player, a compassionate listener, an affectionate friend. You see people's problems as an opportunity to love them better. Your best qualities will be just what your little guy needs to learn about the way he should go, and your shortcomings will be an opportunity for all of you to grow.

You think about the love you know now...the love of your creator, your husband, your family, your friends. Just wait. I know the feeling you'll experience when you meet your sweet baby will help you understand true love better. Like a friend told me once, it's Big Love.

You think about the unknowns, the big decisions, the uncertainty ahead. I know that you are blessed to have a steady and supportive husband and many loving friends. Surround yourself with people who know you well and respect your goals and dreams, whether they are about breastfeeding, parenting, nutrition, etc. I want you to know that I am here, too. I am ready to listen, to pray, to advise, or simply just be with you whenever you need me, as only a sister can.

Sister power 4 lyfe.

Love you,

La

One Small Thing

I love a fresh start, and I hate that I am the nine millionth person to say something like that this week. Even though it's cliche, it's been on my mind, so it seemed like the right thing to share.

The trouble with fresh starts is that they lead to monotonous, middle-of-the-road plateaus. When I was teaching it felt so good to start off the year with a clean room, organized desk, and aspirations for implementing all that I'd learned over the summer. But by November I was falling into the same clutter-magnet habits and contemplating how many of the 900 items on my list I could check off by 3:15 midnight.

It's funny how quickly normal life chips away at dreams and goals. This fear of not reaching a goal and feeling like a failure paralyzes a perfectionist like me. My best intentions are obliterated by my "everything has to change right now" mentality. So when it comes to eating elephants, I agree with the saying that it happens "one bite at a time."

Here I am, at the start of 2015, ready to try one small thing at a time. So instead of looking at how big of a mess my house is, I'm honing in on this problem I have with dishes. They appear out of nowhere, caked with yuck, towering in piles on the counter. One small thing I'm trying is to empty the clean dishes out of the dishwasher first thing in the morning. That's it.

When it comes to breastfeeding, I dream of change on a macro level where moms don't have to fight a battle to nurse their newborns because they have an extensive support system of friends, family, and knowledgeable medical professionals who can give them accurate advice about breastfeeding.

Talk about a ginormous elephant.

I can't make that change happen overnight. But I can do one small thing. I'm going to start reaching out to new moms I know, just to touch base with them after baby comes. Not to apply pressure. Not to coerce them to breastfeed. Just to say, "Hey, I know this isn't easy. If you need advice, or just need to vent, I am here!"

I feel confident that this small thing could lead to another and before long, the elephant will be history.

Cloudy With a Chance of Smiles

It's no secret how much I love breastfeeding and the joy it's brought me. But I've also shared before about some of my tough uphill climbs in the roller coaster journey that comes with nursing in particular, and motherhood in general. Those cloudy days are rough, especially when they can range in severity from "I'm so depressed I don't know how to function" to "I dropped the gallon of milk which exploded all over the kitchen and I want to curl into the fetal position."

If you're a mom who's in the throes of one of those cloudy haven't-showered-or-slept-in-days, will-this-hurricane-ever-end, can-I-have-my-boobs-back days/weeks/seasons, lots of hugs to you. I'm not suggesting this little list will solve all your problems, but I'm hoping I can at least give you a chance to smile while you're going through this tough time. So, without further ado...

1. Check out the Humans of New York Facebook page. Brandon photographs people as he walks the streets of NYC and interviews them. The result is often hilarious, melancholy, poignant, or just plain wonderful. His recent trip to Iran resulted in some truly amazing interviews in particular. I love scrolling through and remembering how awesome humanity is.

2. Visit 1000 Awesome Things. I love the poetry there. It inspires me to relish the little triumphs and bits of joy in my day, even when most of the minutes are tough ones.

3. Look at The Kid Should See This. Hands down my favorite blog. It can be so difficult to recharge when you're feeling less than stellar, especially when you have zero alone time. Having a helper hand you wads of toilet paper while you "go" is sometimes helpful and sometimes...not. If you and your little one(s) are on the outs, check out a video on this site together. Learning and marveling together will distract you both from your feelings of stress and help you relax and rediscover what it means to be awed and filled with wonder.

I guarantee you'll find a video here your little one will love, whether s/he's 12 months or 12 years old.
Photo courtesy of The Kid Should See This (see link above)

4. Ask for help. Now, I'm not talking about a cryptic vaguebook. And yes, I am admittedly terrible at the whole SOS thing. But if you can shoot off a text to a family member or friend (or hey, you can call them sobbing if you want, they have to love you anyway) they will jump at the chance to help, whether it's helping with laundry, coming to visit, or just telling a bad knock-knock joke.

5. Celebrate what's right. I've already talked about this before, but if you're in a season when things are grand, pretty pretty please document that grandeur. Because you know what? We humans are forgetful. When we're stuck in the muck it's like we have gratitude amnesia. Having the good stuff written down or typed out or photographed makes it easier to reference when the rainbows and unicorns have left the building. Flipping through my journal I'm reminded of my faith in God (not myself). I see good times and bad in those scribbles, and without a doubt Past Me hollers through the pages, "Hey, maybe this poop-fest won't last forever."

And you know what? Poop-fests rarely do.



What about you? What are your go to strategies for regrouping when you've run out of steam?

A Year in Review: Starting Out FAQ

It's November...and we couldn't be more thrilled that this month marks one year of tears, triumphs, and tatas here at Adventures in Breastfeeding!

To kick off our celebration, we're taking a look back at some of our greatest hits. Today I'll share links to posts that would answer questions moms might have when they are breastfeeding newborns. Later this week Missy will highlight AIB posts that would be more relevant for those who are further along in their breastfeeding adventure. Wherever you are on your journey, we are confident you'll find something informative, inspiring, and empowering as we look back on a year's worth of Adventures in Breastfeeding.

Here are a few of our most popular responses to some common questions new moms have when they begin breastfeeding.

I'm pregnant with my first baby! What can I do now to prepare for my breastfeeding adventure?

Congrats! When it comes to finding success breastfeeding, our contributors have 3 important tips to avoid feeling overwhelmed: educate yourself, trust yourself, and get support.

5 Things You Really Need to Breastfeed

Doing It Wrong

5 Things Every New Mom Wants to Hear

I have a newborn and this is HARD! Does it get better?

The short answer is yes. Whether the barrier you're facing is nipple pain (ouch!), postpartum depression, or anxiety about inverted nipples or augmented breasts, chances are you'll find a way to dig in and get through it. A few of our contributors have shared about these obstacles and how they overcame them.

The Vanishing Finish Line

When Life is on Mute

Do Faulty Breasts = Breastfeeding Failure?

 

Am I making enough milk? Do I need to supplement with formula?

Misinformation about breast milk supply and what constitutes a "normal" breastfeeding relationship has got to be the biggest booby trap out there. If you are concerned about your supply, it may be an issue with baby, or it may be an issue with you. It helps to have realistic expectations about how supply is created, how it's not, and how often baby will feed (especially during a developmental leap or growth spurt). But sometimes there may be another issue at play, like a posterior tongue tie. If you've already begun supplementing and would like to try to scale back, you can find some tips here.

4 Myths Busted

Pumping Output is Not an Indicator of Supply

Surviving a Growth Spurt

Diagnosing a Posterior Tongue Tie

How to Stop Supplementing

I had dreams of breastfeeding my baby, but now he's in the NICU. What now?

Any parent who has had a NICU experience knows that it's difficult to put into words the challenges you'll face. Tiffany has shared her story of nursing in the NICU and Analyn wrote about how nursing helped her little girl during a hospital stay. 

Nursing in the NICU

Breastfeeding and Hospital Stays

As I look back at the blog's first year, I feel so blessed by what I see: dozens of posts by women (and men!) telling their stories about fears faced, lessons learned, and victories celebrated. Stories of support and encouragement for moms in tough breastfeeding situations. I know now, more than ever, that I am not in this alone. Boy am I grateful.

Would you add anything to this FAQ list about breastfeeding a newborn? 

Leave a comment below or on our Facebook page!

And don't forget to check out Missy's post on Thursday about FAQs moms have when they pass the newborn stage.

These are the Moments

I'm at a significant point in my breastfeeding adventure. I've been breastfeeding Boo for 18 months and I'm 14 weeks pregnant with #2. While I plan to continue nursing Boo for the foreseeable future, I do know that anything can happen at this point, so I'm doing my best to savor our nursing moments today as well as memories we've made over the past year and a half. There have been some doozies!

Dumb and Dumber Moment

Photo credit

I'm almost too embarrassed to include this in the list. In the early days I struggled with over-supply. My breasts were engorged, hard lumps began forming, and I developed mastitis. I applied warm compresses (warm water poured into newborn diapers worked amazingly well!) and massage. I also pumped a bit to relieve pressure before Boo nursed so the poor thing wouldn't sputter and choke on the fast letdown. After each nursing session I took that pumped milk...and poured it down the drain. I know, I know. If I could go back in time I would smack my sleep-deprived, bleary-eyed face. The thing is, I had pumped colostrum at the hospital that I wasn't using and had to toss. What was I supposed to do with all this breast milk anyway?

Fortunately I had sweet friends who quickly informed me what an idiot was. I made a run to Babies R Us and picked up some freezer bags for my milk. I never made the same mistake again.

Apocalyptic Moment

In the early days I don't think there was a single 90 minute nursing session that went by where I didn't feel like my nipples were being sawed off, cauterized, then stuck back on with Krazy Glue. Yet there's one moment that sticks out. It was probably about 8 am, though I had lost all sense of time with the 24/7 nursing thing I had going on. I was sitting in my glider with my sweet newborn bracing myself for another painful latch. Teeth gritted, tears streaming down my face, I brought her to my breast. And I howled in agony, unknowingly in solidarity with other moms. Somehow I freed one hand (how that happened God only knows) to grab my phone and called my mommy. "Hey mom." Trying to play it cool. "What are you...sniff...up to?" The wobble in my voice betrayed me. All it took was a "Honey, are you okay?" and I was reduced to a blubbery, wailing, pitiful mess.

Fortunately I have an awesome mom who came right over with a hot breakfast and some grandma love so I could crawl into bed slathered with nipple butter. Ahhhhhhhhhh....

Merida Moment

My first time nursing in public was at a Panera down the street. I busted out the cover, peeked through the constantly collapsing top to try and get baby in position, and began to nurse like a champ. It didn't feel remarkable though. The place was buzzing with middle and high school students just out of school. The chaotic din made me feel inconspicuous so it didn't feel like a breakthrough moment. One that did, though, was the day I figured out how to nurse while I was wearing Boo at the grocery store. I felt brave and invincible, like, "Haha everyone in the grocery store, my boob is out and you don't even know it!" 

Victory.

All the Moments

The funny thing is that while a few of these memories stick out in my head, most of them blur into each other so that my breastfeeding journey is made up of impressions and feelings rather than distinct happenings marked on a calendar. The late nights with my sweet girl where her smell and warmth filled the silence. The nursing mannerisms she's adopted as a toddler, like standing with her bottom in the air as she chooses which side she wants this time. The way she attacks my breast with gusto that causes my family to laugh hysterically every time.


One great thing about the next baby is it's like having a do-over. Of course I know it will be different and this baby will have different needs. But I get a second chance at not being stupid and dumping out liquid gold. I get a second chance at knowing how it feels to have a tiny human nestled in my arms day and night. I get a chance to experience a new set of missteps and discomfort that will inevitably fade into success, until one day while nursing I'll think to myself, "Hm, this is so easy! When did that happen?"

...But You Can't Make Him Drink

Yesterday I shared some things I've learned about asset based community development (ABCD). I told you a couple stories. I took you to Honduras and brought you back to Ohio.

So what in the world does this have to do with breastfeeding? Well, please take a moment to read yesterday's post first, then hop back here to find out.

If you've read anything on this blog before then it's likely you know that breastfeeding in the US is the exception, not the rule. Incidents pop up in the news every few months about breastfeeding moms who are chastised for nursing their babies in public. Here in Ohio, only 21.6% of moms are breastfeeding their babies at all at 6 months. It doesn't take more than a few conversations with other mom friends to hear about advice they were given from their pediatrician or OB that doesn't align with current best practices for breastfeeding.

This is the bottom line: our culture is impoverished when it comes to knowledge, passion, and compassion regarding breastfeeding.

Please please don't hear me wrong. I'm not saying an individual mom is "poor" because she doesn't breastfeed. I'm simply saying that anecdotes and news articles and statistics show us that we are a culture that doesn't value this practice. We believe myths about it. We compare it to defecating. We don't understand it, and in some cases maybe even fear it.

When there is poverty, do you remember what works? Asset based community development.

Yes, there is a need for systemic change. Better education in WIC programs. More baby friendly hospitals. More lactation education in med schools. ABCD can be implemented at those levels. But as I go down this list, I can tell you pretty quickly that I have next to no pull in any of those fields. My sphere of influence consists of my friendships with other moms.

Change will come from grassroots efforts manifested in real relationships. I am passionate about advocating and educating and rallying around the breastfeeding cause, but like I shared yesterday, sustainable change will come when I am willing to let go of that cause long enough to grab onto a close relationship and hang on tight.

I'm digging in for the long haul, just like my wise friend Tracy. I'm not trying to dispense advice or dispute myths in every conversation. I'm striving to be a better listener and evaluate what my friend is showing me she needs instead of starting with what I have to offer. I'm ready to acknowledge that sometimes my friend may simply need to be heard and cared for instead of admonished or corrected. Instead of focusing on everything she doesn't know about breastfeeding, I'm going to simply be present so I can notice what a great mom she is and how much she loves her kids and tell her how much I respect that.

And after listening, after building trust, after I've spent time focusing on her instead of me, I will be ready if she asks me for help. I will be there for her as a collaborator instead of a teacher.

The way I can make a difference in our impoverished breastfeeding culture is by investing in true friendships because I value individual moms. And the payoff is way bigger than the freedom to nurse anywhere in public without criticism, or having bosses who are knowledgeable about your pumping needs, or L&D nurses who understand how crucial it is to have baby at your breast soon after birth. No, these are possible offshoots of this change, but they aren't the ultimate goal.

The victory will be evident in the community we will have cultivated. Moms who are empathetic and truly care about each other's tears, triumphs, and tatas. Moms who value each other not because of a breastfeeding cause, but simply because people matter.

You Can Lead a Horse to Milk...

Today's post ambles a bit. I know it may seem at first glance that poverty alleviation work in Honduras and Ohio don't seem to be related to breastfeeding, but if you're willing to keep reading, I'll get there. I promise.

Homemade corn tortillas?
Yes please!

Four years ago my husband and I took a trip with a ministry called Heart to Honduras. Since then we've made it a priority to learn more about healthy ways to get involved in community development. The too-quick summary of asset based community development (ABCD) is twofold:

1. Poverty is about broken relationships, not just about money. This means every single one of us is impoverished in some way in our lives.

2. Healthy, sustainable, long-term development starts with looking at assets and working in partnership to build on those assets.

Before my first trip to Honduras, I went to the doctor for a check-up. When I told him about the trip we were planning, he scoffed. "Honduras?! To build a house? For crying out loud. People go down there all the time year after year to build houses. And there's always more to build. Why do these people still need us to build houses for them?"

At the time I was incredibly offended by his insensitive remarks. But years later it's clear that his frustration makes sense. If I continue to throw money and time at a problem and it isn't resolved, wouldn't that indicate I need to try something different? What kind of message am I sending to people I'm "helping" when I say: "Hey, just take a step back, I'll be able to fix this wayyyyy better than you can." What am I believing then about that person's value or their competence?

Kaleb and Naun slashing that grass

Since that first trip I've been able to spend time in Las Lomitas, Honduras, not fixing or building or teaching, but simply being and learning. When I was simply present I learned how to grind corn into cornmeal and make tortillas. My friend learned how to mow the soccer field with a machete. Roasting delicious, fresh-picked coffee beans, crafting jewelry from trash, maintaining a clean home with only erratic running water... Once I stopped scratching the itch to always be fixing it was so much easier to move from a deficit focus to an asset-based one.

I've learned a lot about ABCD over the past few years, but time and again I'm reminded of how much I have yet to learn. Recently I overheard a conversation a friend of mine, Tracy, was having with someone in our poverty alleviation group here in the states. Let's call this other person Andrew. Andrew was venting about an issue one of his kids was having at school. It was clear he was frustrated with the teachers there. In fact, it seemed like he was frustrated about a lot of things. Tracy gently asked him if he had considered talking with the school counselor. "She doesn't help with stuff like this," he replied shortly. Tracy responded with sympathy and continued to listen.

What!? I exclaimed in my head. As a former teacher I knew that the school counselor would, in fact, help with this issue. I can't believe Tracy isn't telling Andrew how to contact her! I mulled that conversation over in my head for days. How on earth did she have the patience to sit there and listen when she knew the solution to the problem? More importantly....why?

I played out an alternate scenario in my head. One in which I kindly corrected Andrew and gave him some advice about how to approach the counselor, as well as a few other resources on the issue at hand. In this hypothetical conversation, I even shared a personal story about a student I'd had in second grade who had dealt with this very situation and how I helped the family resolve it.

Believe it or not, the scene didn't end in my head with Andrew showering me with gratitude for sharing my wisdom. It didn't end with him contacting the school guidance counselor.

It ended abruptly when he politely listened to me ramble, then completely shut down. As my imagination moved forward, in the future weeks he would greet me every Tuesday night, but wouldn't ever share what was really on his mind. He wouldn't ever again trust me enough to be vulnerable with me.

And it dawned on me: Tracy had played this scene out in her mind before. Heck, maybe she'd even made a few mistakes along the way and lived it out: the dispensation of advice, the taciturn response, the loss of trust. Tracy knew this wasn't true development.

Tracy listened and empathized because she's in it for the long haul. She's patiently backing up far enough to see the whole picture. She's not trying to fix one problem today, she's trying to be a small part of sustainable development in a person's life over time. She recognized that Andrew didn't need advice at that moment.

He needed a friend.

Wordless Wednesday: A Forceful Letdown

A diagram to assist moms in positioning babies to combat the sputtering and coughing that comes with a forceful letdown or oversupply.

Impeccable illustrating, I know.

5 Picture Books that Celebrate Breastfeeding

worldbreastfeedingweek.org

Happy World Breastfeeding Week!  The week's theme this year is Breastfeeding: A Winning Goal for Life!  

We've shared before about our passion for normalizing breastfeeding.  One of the best ways we can achieve this is by helping kids understand what breasts are for and how breastfeeding is a natural part of life for humans and many animals.  Very young children are exposed to a wide range of salacious images on billboards, magazine covers, television, and more.  It is overwhelming to say the least.  My goal in my home is to make a proactive effort to combat these confusing messages.  One way to do this is with picture books.

Look at those sweet pups!  Photo courtesy of Animal Baby ABCs, link is located below.

I've made a few trips to the library and come up with some titles that support or celebrate breastfeeding.  During my search I found books that explicitly instructed the reader about breastfeeding.  I also found books where breastfeeding simply happened in the words or pictures and was more implicit in its quiet presence in the book.  Just as with any other topic of instruction, both of these kinds of books are important and useful.

1. Mama's Milk

 by Michael Elsohn Ross

illustrated by Ashley Wolff

This story pays homage to the sweet cuddles and nourishment babies receive when they drink their mama's milk.  Both animals and humans are pictured throughout, and multiple skin tones are portrayed. The rhyming story ends with a two page spread featuring many different mamas and babies accompanied by a short, factual caption about the way they breastfeed (did you know platypus babies drink milk from patches on their mama's fur?).

2. Dolphin Baby!

by Nicola Davies

illustrated by Brita Grandstrom

I love Nicola Davies' non-fiction picture books.  This literary non-fiction lets the reader get to know the animals in the story while providing smaller snippets of factual supplementary information on each page. As you get to know this dolphin baby, you will learn about how he practices suckling until he is efficient at nursing and that he doesn't eat fish like his mom right away because her milk is enough.  The illustrations show baby dolphin and his mama on each page in vibrant watercolors.  There are pictures of him nursing, as well as being birthed (it is a small picture though, and in silhouette so as to not be too graphic for concerned parents).

3. You're Getting a Baby Sister!

by Sheila Sweeny Higginson

illustrated by Sam Williams

My daughter loved reading this board book with me.  Some Amazon reviewers complained about the negative tone of the book.  I wasn't put off by that at all.  There are a few pages that specify some of

the worries or frustrations a new older sibling might have, whether it's about getting hit by baby or having to share mom and dad with her.  But the story reminds the reader that s/he is a big kid who will teach the baby how to grow up smart, loving, and strong!  There is one implicit nod to breastfeeding pictured in the book.  I also love that this is another title that shows many skin tones in the illustrations.

4. Animal Babies ABC: An Alphabet Book of Animal Offspring

by Barbara Knox

Your child will love looking at the adorable animal baby photographs in this book.  Many of them zoom right in on the animal's face and "cute" just doesn't even begin to describe it.  Each new page has a large full page photo of an animal baby.  On the opposite page is the letter of the alphabet followed by the animal's name and a short factual sentence or two about it.  The simple text would be great for early readers and the subject matter is high-interest for reluctant readers.  This is another title with some subtle nods at breastfeeding on a couple of the ABC pages, as well as a photograph at the very end of the book next to resources for more information about animal babies.

 5. How Do Animal Babies Live?

by Faith Hickman Brynie

This last title is another animal non-fiction book that shares a few facts about mammals who nurse their young.  Again, any subtle appearance of how babies eat is a great teaching opportunity.  It also helps young children to understand that the world is filled with mamas and babies who nurse.  

 

Each page tells about an animal baby: where it lives, how it behaves, etc.  Readers are introduced to non-fiction text features like a table of contents, glossary, and sidebar photos with paragraphs explaining more. This would be a fun book for a first or second grader to read, either with you or alone.

I hope that this gives you a solid place to start in your endeavors to portray nursing relationships in a positive light.  Check your local library or click over to my Amazon affiliate links listed above.  You can also find other book lists here and here.  I truly believe that the best way to make breastfeeding a "winning goal for life" is to start young. No matter who you are - a breastfeeding mom, formula feeding mom, e-pumper, dad, teacher, aunt, uncle - you can help our culture make positive movement forward by sharing books like these with the next generation.